Orange County Marriage Counseling & Couples Counseling

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The Road to Separation

There is a typical path that couples follow on, "The Road to Separation". Where along the path is your relationship?

The Myth of Conflict

A popular belief is that conflict is damaging to a relationship. In fact, studies show that conflict is a vital part of healthy relationships. Conflict can be seen as an ongoing process of negotiating conflicting needs. It is only when conflict becomes stuck in an “anger cycle” that it becomes damaging.

The Anger Cycle & The Road to Separation

In unhappy couples, conflict gets caught in a repetitive cycle of anger and defensiveness. Arguments go in circles without resolution. With time, couples lose hope and start not to talk about “that subject”. This seems works in the short term, but as a result distance creeps into the relationship.

The couple then enters a new cycle of communication breakdown and distance. This is the final step on the road to separation.

Couples start leading parallel lives. The untouchable subject lives like a monster in the attic. Both members know it is there, but neither one knows what to do. Each time the monster rears it's ugly head, the loss of hope is compounded.

It is important to understand that during this time the couples sex life gradually erodes. Often it will become virtually non-existent. In long-term couples, physical arousal requires emotional intimacy. In this stage of the cycle, emotional intimacy is virtually non-existent. Partners feel like room-mates to one-another.

Reversing the Damage

Behind all anger in a relationship are two human beings desperately trying to get their needs met. As a marriage counselor, I bring a neutral third party presence into the relationship. Without judgment, I provide each person the opportunity to understand their part in the cycle they are in.

As part of my specialization, I have developed tools that move couples out of the anger-cycle and into a new era of intimacy. A sense of relief and renewed hope takes hold as each person feels understood. The process of repair begins. With time, couples take these tools home with them and the repair process runs on its own momentum.

Understanding the stages above is important. As couples re-engage, they start to argue again. This is unfortunately, a necessary step to bring them closer together again. The distance was created to avoid this conflict. Sadly, the conflict needs to be worked through in order to return to the intimacy they used to experience.

After counseling, many couples find that their relationship is even better than it has ever been. Overcoming a seemingly impossible obstacle provides a powerful bonding experience. Couples start to feel confident that they can overcome future problems as they occur. They have uncovered resilience in their relationship.

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