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How to Express Your Hurt Feelings the Right Way - Orange County Marriage Counseling - Orange County Couples Counseling

 

Couple in conflictOften, the hardest thing to do in a relationship, is to let our partner know that they hurt us. When we are hurt, it can be hard to find the words to express our feelings. Often in our anger, we can make the situation worse for both parties.

It doesn't need to be this way. If you start the discussion the wrong way, it could lead to a terrible argument. On the other hand, if you express your feeling appropriately, it can bring you and your partner closer.

The tool below is designed to help you express your hurt feelings the right way. Just start from the top and fill in the blanks. Some of the sections may require some thought. It may help if you first talk about your feelings to a friend or therapist.

Step 1: Let them know which of their actions hurt you, and how it made you feel.

This is the only part that is required. The other parts are optional...

Tell them about the specific actions or words that hurt you. Be factual with this part. e.g. When you:

  • forgot my birthday
  • flirted with my friend
  • ignored my question

How it made you feel? e.g.:

  • Angry
  • Scared
  • Ashamed
  • Vulnerable
When  you
 

It made me feel


Either type the word above, or use the Feel--O-Matic below.
Your statement so far:

Great job. You are finished if you want, but it helps if you...

Step 2: Tell them why you feel this way

Our feelings are based on how we INTERPRET their actions. Often we understand their action, differently from how they intended them. Look inside and try understand what their action MEANS to you. You may be hesitant to share this with your partner, because it makes you feel more vulnerable. If you do share it, it will help you feel understood and enhance the relationship's intimacy. Even if you choose not to share this, it is valuable for you to understand what lies behind your hurt.  e.g. I felt this way, because I interpreted your action to mean that:

  • you don't value our relationship;
  • you don't take into account how I feel;
  • I can't trust you to be there for me
I felt this way, because I interpreted your action to mean that
Your statement so far:

If you chose "Angry" as your feeling above, do this section. Otherwise skip to the next section.

Step 3: Explain what feeling is beneath the anger.

Behind all anger is vulnerability. When you can tell you partner about the vulnerability behind your anger, it  goes a long way towards allowing them to be less defensive. Instead of being accusatory, it offers them to the opportunity to be a hero and help you feel better. Again, even if you choose not to share this with your partner, it is important to understand why they are making you feel this way.


e.g. I am angry on the surface, but underneath I am really feeling:

  • Scared
  • Pain
  • Alone
  • Abandoned
I am angry on the surface, but underneath I am I am really feeling

Either type the word above, or use the Feel--O-Matic below.

Note: these fields will not be enabled if you did not choose "Angry" as your feeling above.
Your statement so far:

Nearly done. Why not take a few moments to plan ahead, and...

Step 4: Help them understand how to avoid hurting you in the future.

Here you can ask them to treat you differently in the future. Try think of a reasonable request that can help you avoid being hurt next time. They feel good because they can help you feel better; and you feel good because you are less likely to be hurt again. e.g.: In the future, I would prefer if you please:

  • made an effort to remember my birthday.
  • do not say judgmental things about me;
  • asked before using my things

Help them understand how your request will be good for both you and your relationship. e.g. I believe that would help:

  • us get along better
  • me not get so angry
  • us coordinate our arrangements better.
In the future, I would prefer if you please
I believe that would help

 

Congratulations, you are finished!

You can print this, edit your statement here, or copy it to your favorite editor.

 

  

 

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